Blog: Don't Pull the Plug
Coal, Like You've Never Seen it Before
May 12, 2008 9:00 AM
Posted by: King Coal
Notice something different?
We just invested a lot of money -- seriously, like more money than most of you will ever see in your lifetimes -- into vastly improving the American coal industry. Can you guess how? No, we haven't reduced our greenhouse gas emissions, airborne pollutants or toxic waste by-products. We've done something even better. We've changed our name!
That's right, the organization formerly known as the Alliance for Burning Every Chunk of Coal (ABECC) from this day forward will be known by its newer, easier to remember name -- Americans Cashing Checks from Coal Companies 'Cause Coal is Cool. (ACCCCCCC) Our new acronym is cleaner, easier to remember and, because it's so brand-new, when you Google it you won't find any negative press in the search results. How's that for making some positive changes?
Watch this space as we continue to create, and then join, other national associations to make our acronym even longer. And, with our longer, more powerful acronym, we should finally have the influence required to lobby federal policymakers on policies designed to reduce human-made greenhouse gas emissions. . . by the year 4014.
So enjoy the new name, but don't be surprised if we change it again because the American coal industry is big on change. In fact, we promise we're working very hard to collect as much change as we can carry. You have our word on it.
Making Mole Hills Out Of Mountains
April 1, 2008 12:01 AM
Posted by: King Coal
Too often, hiking trips get ruined by all those strenuous peaks and steep valleys you have to traverse. Sure, mountains look nice in pictures, but where's the express elevator on this thing?? Well, thanks to an ingenious practice called mountaintop removal coal mining, residents in Appalachian states like Kentucky and West Virginia can enjoy mountains that are lower, flatter and more convenient than ever. All that new flatland can be used for the things local communities desperately need, such as more strip malls, parking lots and prisons. As a bonus, after "capping" these mountains, we dump the residue into the streams below -- so your feet and SUV tires stay dry. Race you to the taco stand at the "top" of the mountain!
Coal: Cheap Fuel for the Land of the Free
April 1, 2008 12:02 AM
Posted by: King Coal
Trust us when we tell you that coal is a cheap and reliable source of energy, and America has plenty to mine -- some of it might even be in your own back yard. To make sure you don't miss out, we're planning the construction of 150 new conventional coal-fired plants across the USA. You might say supporting the construction of local coal plants is a form of service to your country. So don't be surprised if the next time you see black smoke rising from smokestacks in your town, you find yourself getting a little choked up. That's not just soot particles entering your lungs -- it's also pride.
Clean Coal? That's Hot!
April 1, 2008 12:03 AM
Posted by: King Coal
We're 100% committed to talking about technologies that could some day make coal a truly environmentally friendly source of energy. That's why we love to use the phrase "clean coal," even though we'd like to spend the next, oh, 20 or 30 years building new power plants the old dirty way. But you've got to admit -- if we say "clean coal" often enough, it sounds like we're doing it already! CLEAN COAL!
Our Supporters Speak
You don't have to put a gun to my head to say something positive about the coal industry, so if you'd please put down that gun I would really appreciate it.
- C. Rivers, concerned citizen